The Perfect Meal Read online

  Dedication

  For Marie-Dominique and Louise, who taught me that cooking is all about love, and for Georges Auguste Escoffier, who kept the faith

  Epigraph

  Tell me what you eat, and I shall tell you what you are.

  Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, French gastronome

  Contents

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  One: First Catch Your Pansy

  Two: First Catch Your Menu

  Three: First Catch Your Mentor

  Four: First Catch Your Tipple

  Five: First Catch Your Sturgeon

  Six: First Catch Your Madeleine

  Seven: First Catch Your Fungus

  Eight: First Catch Your Lamprey

  Nine: First Catch Your King

  Ten: First Catch Your Rascasse

  Eleven: First Catch Your Elephant

  Twelve: First Catch Fire

  Thirteen: First Catch Your Socca

  Fourteen: First Catch Your Burger

  Fifteen: First Catch Your Hare

  Sixteen: First Catch Your Bouillon

  Seventeen: First Catch Your Chef

  Eighteen: First Catch Your Market

  Nineteen: First Catch Your Anchovy

  Twenty: First Catch Your Noisette

  Twenty-one: First Catch Your Ox

  Twenty-two: First Catch Your Feast

  The Menu

  Recipes

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  About the Author

  Other Works

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Footnote

  One

  First Catch Your Pansy

  I’ve taken to cooking and listening to Wagner, both of which frighten me to death.

  Noël Coward, diary entry, Sunday, February 19, 1956

  It all began with the pansy in my soup.

  Rick Gekoski was in town, so we went out to dinner. Rick deals in rare books, but only the rarest. He’s sold first editions of Lolita to rock stars, bought J. R. R. Tolkien’s bathrobe, and so charmed Graham Greene that the great writer let him purchase the library in his Antibes apartment. In between, he’s written a few books and chaired the panel presenting the Booker Prize, Britain’s most prestigious literary award.

  After the Greene deal, the two men shared an aperitif in the café below Greene’s home.

  “Y’know,” said Greene, “if I hadn’t been a writer, I’d have liked to do what you do—be a bookseller.”

  For a man who could excite the envy of a literary giant, no ordinary meal would suffice.

  “Have you eaten at the Grand Palais?” I asked Rick.

  “You mean that block-long example of Belle Époque bad taste just off the Champs-Élysées?” he asked. “I’ve attended art fairs and book fairs there. I’m told it also hosts automobile shows, horse shows, and I believe once accommodated a trade show for manufacturers of farm machinery. But eaten there? Never.”

  “A new experience, then.”

  In 1993 the Grand Palais shut down for renovations. Fragments of the 8,500-ton glass-and-steel roof showed an alarming tendency to fall on unsuspecting heads. To keep the building at least partly alive, the terrace along one side became the Minipalais restaurant, with triple-Michelin-star chef Eric Frechon in charge. I’d enjoyed some pleasant meals there, as much for the setting as the food. I hoped Rick might be impressed.

  The following evening, we mounted the wide steps at the corner of avenue Winston Churchill.

  The Grand Palais is the kind of building that takes the eye. More vast than an aircraft hangar, it soared above our heads. Along one side, the 65-foot-high columns of the terrace dwindled into the dusk. The marble-floored foyer would have done credit to an imperial embassy. Even Rick conceded a respectful “Humph.”

  While we waited to be seated, I looked across the avenue at the statue of Britain’s wartime prime minister after whom it was named. Churchill leaned on his stick and glared, as if remembering his problems with Charles de Gaulle when the Free French government in exile fled to London in 1940.

  Anyone who knew the eating habits of the two men could have foreseen they would never get on. Churchill was a drinker, de Gaulle an eater, or at least someone who embraced the philosophy of “Devour, or be devoured.” Metaphors about food pepper his writings. Dismissing the idea of a Communist France, he inquired, “How can any one party govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?” (In fact, there are more like 350.) Asked about his literary “influences,” de Gaulle scorned the suggestion that any other mind might affect his thinking. “A lion is made up of the lambs he’s digested.” But in Churchill, as gifted a writer, orator, and statesman as he, he’d met another lion, and the two men snarled over the future of Europe like two males over the same kill.

  The waitress led us into the dining room, quarried from the Palais’s mezzanine, and tried to seat us at one of its tables.

  “I asked for a table on the terrace,” I said.

  She gave one of the moues for which the French mouth is uniquely constructed.

  “Mes excuses, monsieur. Were you actually guaranteed a table on the terrace?”

  “Well . . . no . . .”

  Her shoulders started to rise in that other French specialty, the shrug that indicates powerlessness in the face of overwhelming contrary circumstances. (Interestingly, there is no single French word for “shrug.” Asked to define it, a French person will just . . . well, shrug.)

  “After dinner,” Rick interjected, “I intend to enjoy a cigar.”

  Dipping into an inside pocket, he extracted an aluminum tube the length of a torpedo. The family that would have been seated next to us leaned away collectively. They knew the smoke generated by a weed that size could entirely obscure their dessert.

  “I will see what I can do,” the waitress said hurriedly.

  Two minutes later we were seated on the terrace, under those soaring columns, looking out on the gathering darkness and the Seine flowing in stately complacency beneath the Pont Alexandre III. In 1919 a triumphant General Pershing, on horseback, led American troops on a victory parade along the avenue below us while cheering Parisians crowded the space where we sat and flung flowers. We were in the presence of history.

  British soldiers parade past the Grand Palais, 1916

  “So . . .” Rick pocketed his cigar and reached for the carte. “How’s the food here?”

  Twenty minutes later, my first course arrived.

  Marooned in the middle of an otherwise empty soup plate was a small mound of something green and granular—peas mashed with mint, I later discovered. It supported two tiny slices of white asparagus, so thin I could have read Le Monde through them—and the small print at that.

  “I ordered the cold asparagus soup.”

  “This will be the asparagus soup, m’sieur,” said the waiter.

  He returned with an aluminum CO2 bottle, from which he squirted white froth around the peas. A few seconds later, he was back with a jug from which he poured a milky liquid—the first thing to resemble soup.

  “Voilà, m’sieur. Votre Soupe d’asperge Blanche, Mousseline de Petit Pois à la Menthe Fraîche. Bon appétit.”

  Belatedly, I noticed the finishing touch on top of the peas and asparagus.

  It was a tiny pansy.

  “There’s a pansy in my soup.”

  Close to midnight, we strolled across the bridge in the soft Paris night. I thought I could still smell Rick’s cigar, which, when he did fire it up over coffee and calvados, was only one of many being enjoyed on the terrace. Their smoke rose into the shadows at the top of the treelike columns. Statues looked down in approval. For a moment, surrounded by the architecture of a
heroic age, we had felt ourselves, if not gods, then at least priests of some hallowed rite, celebrating the joys of food and drink.

  If it hadn’t been for that pansy.

  “A place like that . . .” Rick said as we walked.

  He looked back over his shoulder at the line of columns marching in majesty toward the Champs-Élysées.

  “Not that the food wasn’t good . . .”

  And it had been good. Just a bit . . . well, precious.

  The ingredients and dishes were, on paper at least, traditional: pork belly, snails, even a burger. But the pork, instead of arriving rich and fat, sizzling from the barbecue, proved to be a severe oblong, glossy and sharp-edged. Posed on a heap of boiled potatoes lightly crushed with grain mustard, it resembled Noah’s ark aground on Mount Ararat. For Escargots dans Leur Tomate Cerise Gratinés au Beurre d’Amande, a dozen snails were embedded, for no very good reason, in individual cherry tomatoes, and the whole dish was covered in a gratin of butter and powdered almonds. Least likely of all, the “burger” was a nugget of duck breast in a tiny bun, topped with foie gras and drizzled with truffle juice. At the sight of it, Ronald McDonald would have fainted dead away .

  “I know what you mean,” I said. “With that décor, you expect something . . . imperial.”

  A vision rose of a meal appropriate to such architecture. It was straight out of a Hollywood epic such as Ben-Hur or Gladiator. Dressed in togas, we and the other customers reclined on couches, nibbling bunches of grapes. Lightly dressed concubines danced among us. And in the background, a team of sweating slaves turned a spit on which roasted an entire ox.

  But who cooked on that scale anymore? What had happened to the robust country dishes of fifty years ago, before the advent of nouvelle cuisine and food designed not to satisfy hunger but to show off the imagination of the chef? Did they still exist? Or were they, as I suspected, lost forever, the secret of their making having died with the last country chef who still remembered the recipe handed down to him or her through generations. Even if someone still knew how to prepare them, where would they find the ingredients? Modern markets stocked only what they could pile high and sell fast.

  Specifically, did anyone still really roast an ox?

  Two

  First Catch Your Menu

  In France, cooking is a serious art form and a national sport.

  Julia Child

  Anglo-Saxon countries accept that fantasies conceived over dinner evaporate before the next morning’s coffee, passing, like New Year’s resolutions, from the world of What If to that of If Only.

  Fortunately, the French keep a little ajar the door into that universe of tantalizing alternatives. They speak of actions being envisagées—not ruled out, not impossible, perhaps not likely to happen in the immediate future, but contemplated; envisaged.

  Then there’s l’esprit d’escalier—“the inspiration of the staircase.” These are the thoughts that occur as you descend the stairs after a dinner party; the riposte that would have reduced a bore to incoherence; the compliment that, had you thought of it at the time, would have caused your partner to slip you her phone number under the table. Rather than waste such fertile second thoughts, French literature invented the pensée, strictly speaking a collection of thoughts, aphorisms, anecdotes, and reflections, but actually a means of putting on paper all those zingers that would otherwise have faded into the air.

  All the same, my idea of a fabulous banquet, like any product of late-night indigestion and the gleam of the moon on the Seine, might have dissipated in the same way, except for a report in the next day’s issue of Le Monde. The intergovernmental committee of UNESCO had declared the formal French dinner, or repas, an element of humanity’s “intangible cultural heritage.”

  Two years before, President Nicolas Sarkozy had announced at an agricultural fair that French cuisine was the best in the world and should be acknowledged as such. It’s the kind of thing politicians say to placate a powerful lobby, and in France few carry more weight than agribusiness.

  But apparently the European Institute of History and Culture of Food, a uniquely French institution (try to conceive an American version), had been busy lobbying behind the scenes. Meeting in Nairobi, a twenty-four-member panel from UNESCO considered forty-seven nominations but singled out the “gastronomic meal of the French” as worthy of preservation, not just for the edification of the French—who needed no convincing—but also for the good of the human race.

  UNESCO laid down rules to define the classic repas—something no French authority had ever dared do, knowing it would immediately be attacked by every other French authority in the world of food.

  The gastronomic meal should respect a fixed structure, commencing with an apéritif (drinks before the meal) and ending with liqueurs, containing in between at least four successive courses, namely a starter, fish and/or meat with vegetables, cheese and dessert. Individuals called gastronomes who possess deep knowledge of the tradition and preserve its memory watch over the living practice of the rites, thus contributing to their oral and/or written transmission, in particular to younger generations.

  To share such a meal with family and friends did more than satisfy hunger. It was, decreed the committee, “a social practice designed to celebrate the most important moments in the lives of individuals and groups.”

  To me, it seemed a classic case of shutting the stable door after the horse had bolted. Who ate like this anymore, least of all in the big cities of France? A feast of eight to ten courses, with wine, for anything up to twenty people, would cost a fortune, even at home. In a restaurant, the cost would be dizzying, even assuming the chef and serving staff were equal to the challenge. Restaurants no longer catered for large parties; their ovens were too small to roast a whole sucking pig, a haunch of venison, a side of beef. Most relied on microwaves or resorted to warming up precooked dishes bought in cans or boil-in-a-bag portions.

  Then there were the foibles of the diners to be considered: no fat, no sugar, no salt. Vegetarian, vegan, kosher, halal.. . . The modern chef faced a minefield, which he was happy to avoid by cooking only those dishes that risked giving no offense. The difficult disappeared.

  Following the announcement, a certain amount of muttering was heard in the cooking communities of other countries. Weren’t the culinary traditions of Germany, Britain, even America, also worth celebrating?

  French cooks grudgingly conceded that perhaps the banquets of America’s Thanksgiving or the British Christmas were not without their pleasures. Between France and Germany, however, too much bad blood existed for the latter’s cooking ever to be taken seriously.

  This ill will went back to the middle of the nineteenth century, before the states of the future Germany were united. When Prussia and France went to war in 1870, the man who would become France’s greatest chef, Georges-Auguste Escoffier, was called up, was captured, and endured almost a year of misery in a German prison camp, existing on undercooked beans and lentils, wormy pork, and rotten potatoes. He emerged with a loathing of German food.

  In 1913, Kaiser Wilhelm II asked him to organize a lunch for 146 people on the liner Imperator as it launched a transatlantic service from Hamburg to New York. In his memoirs, Escoffier doesn’t hide his bitterness at the way he was treated by the Kaiser. First, he had to convince Wilhelm’s staff that his imprisonment wouldn’t tempt him to poison the Kaiser. They still demanded a German version of the menu, so that each dish could be checked. It included a Mousse d’Écrevisse—a chilled mold of crayfish. Mousse, however, can also mean “cabin boy,” and the translator demanded indignantly if the chef really believed Germans were sufficiently monstrous to devour the crew.

  The day after the dinner, the Kaiser sent for Escoffier and reportedly told him, “I am the Emperor of Germany, but you are the Emperor of Chefs.” Although this was the most famous compliment he ever received, Escoffier doesn’t mention it in his memoirs, making only the terse comment “Hardly one year after this brilliant recep
tion, Germany declared war on France. On November 1, 1914, my son Daniel, lieutenant in the 363rd Alpine Regiment, was hit full in the face by a Prussian bullet and died instantly, leaving his four children for me to bring up.”

  The Sunday after our dinner at the Minipalais, I spent the morning at a brocante in Montmartre.

  Brocante—derivation unknown, or at least much wrangled over—can mean either the secondhand goods sold in a market or the market itself, or even a shop that stocks such things. Brocantes and vide-greniers are a feature of French life—increasingly so as the French realize the value of recycling.

  In Paris, the year-round markets at Porte de Vanves and Porte Clignancourt are cornucopias of junk that contain the occasional treasure. As the weather warms, others erupt all over France, invading public squares, school parking lots, suburban streets. Outside Paris, they often sprout in a field or around the village football pitch.

  Brocanteurs

  In this case, the stalls straggled down the tree-shaded central island of rue de Rochechouart, in the north of Paris, on the slopes of Montmartre. As I browsed those set out under the trees, a stream of tourists bubbled up from the Envers metro station, paled at the slope confronting them, and, hitching their backpacks higher on their shoulders like weary mountaineers, began the final ascent to the mushroom-gray domes of the cathedral of Sacré-Coeur crouched on the summit.

  My eye was caught by a pile of heavy earthenware dishes sitting on the pavement, half-hidden in crumpled newspaper. Their gray-white surfaces were crazed with craquelure, the web of tiny cracks that indicate age, while the underside of each had been glazed a lustrous black in the style the French call, with typical directness, cul noir—“black ass.” Similar lead-glazed dishes and pots exist in Mexico, Japan, and Poland, some dating back to the eighteenth century, but these were almost certainly made in Brittany late in the nineteenth. I’d seen similar plates in antique stores, displayed in glass cases, with prices to match.